CUNT! …Have those who are easily offended left? Good. I get bored of those guys.
Nevertheless, apologies for the Tourette’s-style welcome to this article, I just thought I’d set the
tone for that which is to follow. After my last piece discussing my downfall of not saving enough,
I have become all too aware of the other terrible gaming habits that I seem incapable of ironing
out. One of my more noticeable habits catches the attention of most people who know me; I am a
Now, I swear a fair bit in real life. I love expletives! I can usually find a use for them every now and then. When I’m angry. When I’m in pain. When snooker just isn’t going my way. But I have the tendency of turning the air a royal shade of blue when I have a controller in my hands. I’m slowly become gaming’s answer to Al Pacino.
I’m not a particularly irritable gamer; I can count on one hand my number of rage-quits in the past
five years but I just cannot stop the cursing. I think that dropping constant f-bombs may just be my
way of relieving tension. I just wish this release of pressure made more sense whenever it chooses
to come out of my mouth. Presumably because my brain is busy concentrating on the game, it just
throws out semi-sentences it thinks sound halfway appropriate. Like a crazy old lady tossing her
ratty belongings on a rug at a local car boot sale in the hope that someone will buy into her rubbish.
Over my illustrious career, I’ve created many prestigious aliases throughout the gaming world. I
present you with some of the absolute garbage labels that my brain has presented to me, which I
happily passed on:
Mario quickly became “Moustachioed Prick Magnet”
Link became “Pointy-eared Twat Atrocity”
Whilst Sonic the Hedgehog proudly wears the “Blue-waffle Bastard-Jerk” banner.
Now, I try not to refer to these well- loved characters by these names on a day-to -day basis but I will spout these at them whenever I feel the need to. My mum knows this all too well. I think she was genuinely a bit gutted when I was given a 3DS as a gift, because my ability to swear at an inanimate object went mobile.
Now, it’s usually only when I play single player games that the full strength of my vocal fury will be
unleashed. However, my scathing vocabulary is not just focused at characters I jump into the shoes
of. I will regularly abuse NPCs and berate them for pretty much anything. “Oh you want me to kill
this guy? Fuck you.” “Oh you want me to pay you 50 gold? Fuck you.” “Oh you want me to save
your only child’s life? Fuck you.” I’ll even do impressions of them, putting on peculiar voices in some
deranged attempt to personally embarrass them.
But nothing is sacred. Whilst playing a basic platformer, I’ll even spurt out the odd attempt at
insulting the platforms themselves if my mood demands it…“Look at you there; you unreachable
prick. Smirking it up over there, ay? …you tosser.” I never said my anger was correctly aimed.
Fundamentally, as you may have rightfully concluded after reading this filthy-mouthed piece, I have
the tendency to swear too much. As I mentioned before I suspect it may just be my frustration
peeping out. But even after seriously considering it for an extended period of time, I still can’t honestly entirely chalk it down to frayed nerves. Maybe it’s the childish part of me that finds it fun to be so wickedly involved in grown up play time. It’s another warped sense of control that comes with playing as a character who isn’t me; I can get away with spewing verbal diarrhoea at whomever or whatever I want without risk of penalty. And that is brilliant.
Either way, I think my Grandma would be ashamed.